Taboo

Why is talking about depression such a big taboo ? Why is it so hard for people to understand that Depression is like any other disease, it is like Diabetes or Blood Pressure or a hormone imbalance. It is a glitch in the body and like the society does not frown upon other ailments, depression needs to be treated similarly. It would save so many lives !! People with depression need more acceptance than any other ailment just because of the nature of the illness. How hard is it to just let people be and not judge them on the situation that they are in ?

Lessons in Life

I spent the last few days with my office team. Since I work from home, it is not always that I get to meet my boss or my team mates. Since this trip came right in the middle of my #MovingMadness, I was not very sure how I felt about it. I went mainly because I did not have much of a choice, and just dragged my tired self to the venue. I am so glad that I did !! This was one of the most inspiring meetings I have had in a long long time. Putting a face to the names of the people that I work with was an added plus.

There was a time few years back when I had no clue where I wanted to go with my career. I had a vision in my head, but I had no clear direction. I knew a few things I wanted to do, based on my work exp. but really did not know where to start. My main issue being that I wanted to be around the boys as they are growing up. I stuck to a job which had no soul to it for a few years just because I needed the money coming and I had no courage to move on (That is a very common issue with me around many things). I liked the security that the job gave me. So when the company shut shop and I was laid off (Boy !! The timing could not have been worse) I had no clue where to start from. I did a short stint at another place just because I needed to get a job and keep things moving (Not financially, those few months I needed to work to stay sane from what was happening in my life otherwise). I was extremely lucky when a friend called me one day and told me about this position. Those days, I still remember, I used to go through my days in a very mechanical fashion .. D’s parents were visiting, boys had their summer vacation and I was going through a very weird mental stage. Something I do not think I can explain very well .. But it was what it was. I am a kind of person who does not do very well with stress and boy! was I stressed those days !! I also do not do well with a mechanical routine. I need the challenge to keep me moving .. and I need to keep my self motivated constantly. I am not able to fit into a typical Indian Daughter in Law’s role how ever hard I try, so I have basically accepted that fact and I have stopped trying. I know I love and respect both my family and his family, but I have stopped trying to be what I can not be. So yeah .. back to the summer of 2013 .. I was in constant debate with myself on what and where I wanted to be. I do not think I talked with any living soul about this. I knew I wanted to be my own person and wanted a career, but I also knew very well that I did not want to have a job that needed me to put the boys in after care at their school. I wanted to be home when they get back from school. The combination was lethal 🙂 hard to find. One thing I was sure about was myself and my skills. I am awesome at what I do, and anyone would be glad to hire me .. But not very many companies could offer the work from home option that I wanted. I knew in the back of my head that I needed to compromise somewhere .. either another soul less job and go through a mechanical routine of living my life .. or go out to an office and put the boys in after care, I opted for the former and took up another job which really meant nothing for me. I also could no longer put up with the pretense of wanting to cook a full meal every 2 hours at home.

One of those days when I had hit an emotional rock bottom, a friend called and asked me if I was looking for a job as her company was hiring. What she told me, was exactly the kind of job I was looking for. “Would they let me work from home?” ..T said “YES, they are all remote” !! When the interview happened I gave it the best possible shot I had .. and every day since then I have given my job everything I can possibly offer. This had come to me when I desperately wanted to start living again and not just go through the pretense of living. So yesterday when the superboss asked me what motivated me to keep working .. I wanted to tell him that the very fact that I feel alive again and motivated enough to wake up again, keeps me moving. When they called me a champ .. I really fought hard to stop my tears.

This is corporate America, change in the only permanent here .. so even as I know that this is what I had always wanted, I know things change here every second .. So I just want to enjoy this while this lasts 🙂 One thing is for sure, now that I have started breathing again, I hope I do not hit that rock again !! Here is to hope ..

Moving Insanity

Finally moved to the new house. Last few weeks has been beyond crazy !! Emotionally, physically .. I am drained .. Exhausted. But the million and one things that needs to be done in the house keeps me moving.

One thing I have realized with this move, is that I enjoy small stuff like picking up colors for the rooms .. Shopping the little stuff (AND the big stuff) that the house needs .. But somehow it looks like a bottomless pit right now and a never ending task. Couple of weeks back, I had an insane moment, and decided that I will paint most part of the house. While the thought was in my head, I swear it did not sound crazy at all. All I had to do was go pick up some nice colors, buy paint supplies and paint. What I did not consider is the fact that I have two boys who are home for their summer break !! I also forgot that fact that I have a very demanding travelling job !!

But even though it has been a very weird decision, I do seem to enjoy my painting moments. The beginning was crazy because I have never painted walls before. I had no idea what I was getting into. Watching youtube videos is one thing, it is completely different when you pick up that heavy roller, dip it into that paint, which threatens to spill every where !! Making that “W” that they speak about in the videos seem too simple when you watch someone else do it. My roller made every alphabet but the W !! Heck, there was a moment when the roller flew right out of my hand and landed on a window pane. I still have to figure out how I clean the mess I have made in the beginning, but thankfully I got used to the heavy rollers and managed to somehow come close to a “W”. I have learnt too many painting lessons in the last few days, but I will save those for another post.

Expectations

With a new house comes a lot of expectations. Lot of little things that we want to do, to make the house look beautiful and also have our distinct signature. Last few years while we were house hunting, I have spent many hours surfing Pinterest. looking at wall colors, couches, curtains .. Trying to put things together in my head. Now it is time to make all that a reality. I start painting the rooms today, and I am all excited and nervous. I have been planning on the colors for the longest time, but believe it or not .. I do not think I am prepared. Sounds funny right ? But when you see all the great options that are out there .. you just want to get that one perfect color meant for your home !!! Let me see if I can get it right !!

Coming Back

I am a bad blogger ! Plus life takes over sometimes, with two boys, a full time job and home .. I usually need my days to be 36 hrs long (don’t we all). But then there are some moments that you want to preserve real bad, that you go find your lost password to your blog and start typing again. Last 2 years were busy busy .. The boys started kindergarten .. which was a huge milestone for all of us. There was a LOT of new things that we needed to get used to. Time flies and now they are almost done with first grade. Another week and I will be a mommy of 1st grade graduates. Time seriously does fly.

The reason I am back is because we are moving .. Moving out of the house we called home for 8 years into a new one. We have made such beautiful memories in this house we currently live in, it will be super hard to say Good Bye to it !(Yes ! I love my home like it was a living thing 🙂 ) We moved in this house back in 2007 when it was just D and me. I still remember, during our housewarming, someone asked us what are we going to do with this “huge” space ! It is funny now because the house seems to have shrunk. Well with 2 boys and our parents coming and staying with us for 6-7 months each .. a 2 bedroom townhouse is not really “huge” any more. This was the house where we became a family. The boys were born .. they learnt to sit, crawl, walk … everything inside these walls. This house will always be a big part of our memory.

It is crazy these days .. trying pack everything .. trying to get the new house painted and cleaned .. all while we meet all our deadlines at work and the boys finish their homework and attend all their activities .. But I do plan to keep writing about the whole move .. I do hope that this time I am more regular here 🙂

Me

This is me .. in the eyes of my son :). Junior made this .. by far the best picture of me

Relief

I listened to my inner voice and we went back to the pre-K program in the day care. I had my apprehensions mainly because of all the negative experience that we have we have had in the last many months. The boys were confused about going back there .. so I did some explaining on how they would be here for summer till kindergarten starts in fall. I spent my day nervously hoping and praying that the boys get settled back. Pick up was beautiful. I went back to see the boys happily playing with their class mates. This was a huge relief for me. The teacher said that junior tried teaching some sight words to the class during free play. I felt like doing a small dance right there!! 

I am glad I took the decision of pulling them out. Like a friend put it for me today over chat, we do should not quit challenges, but we should quit negative influences and bad company. The best part is that kids bounce back faster and get used to change faster than adults. I am hoping that  the coming days and weeks will only get better. 

Here is to hope ! 

Reminder for Mothers

Here is something for what I am feeling today … To all the mothers out there .. We ROCK !!! We really really do .. Cheers to that 🙂

Dilemma

A part of me thinks I am taking a hasty decision, and there is this very loud voice screaming from inside asking me to pull the boys out of the school before any more damage is done. I really do not know what would be the right path to take. These are the times I wish that there was a parenting manual. I teach my kids to finish what they start, by pulling them out of this school .. Am I teaching them to quit ? Am I giving in to a bully ? 

The teacher is more and more negative with every passing day. And now it is touching the point where she is getting to a point of being insulting. The voice inside me is getting louder and louder. I do not want my happy kids to change .. it is not really worth it any more. Whatever damage has been done, I believe we will be able to undo it with time. 

I want my boys to come out with their head held high .. and my sanity intact. The voice inside me is telling me its too late and I should have made this move earlier .. I think .. I really think I am going to listen to it now and just take the leap of faith. 

Good Luck to me and my boys !!! 

Spring has sprung

Even though it is still nippy outside, the colors have come. The local stores greet us with these. I hope it starts getting warmer soon 🙂