Regrets

My father went through a surgery yesterday. It was not a major surgery, but something that would need him to stay at the hospital overnight. I find it extremely difficult to stay away from him during these times. But in all practicality, it is never possible to plan things around me and my availability. And till now he and Ma manages to do things on their own.  My Dad being my Dad, is fiercely independent, so he refuses any help from others. I inherited this and his Diabetes from him, so I know what he means when he asks me to stay calm and that he can manage things on his own. But it kills me to know that he is going through it all alone. It takes me back in time when I was a kid and he made sure that he was there for me whenever I needed him. He never missed anything. If it meant that he needed to take time off from work, he did that. Once he flew down for just a day to be with me on my birthday. When I look back I cannot remember a single incidence when he was not able to make it in time to be there with me and Ma. So when I cannot be there, taking care of the small stuff, I hate the feeling. The fact of life is that I will be living here for the next few years and he will continue living in India and we both have to carry on with our responsibilities independently. But the fact also is that he is getting older and I see that every time I visit. I had never imagined my father as an old man. He was, to me, the strongest person on this planet. Someone who can fix everything, there was nothing that I thought he could not do. So for me it is anyways tough to see him glow older. May be as the boys grow up, and they get more independent, I can actually fly down for a few days whenever he needs me. Till then, I guess there will always be Skype.

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