A few days back I met someone who had once asked me why I wanted to have a baby. The question at that point had taken me by surprise. During those days we were busy taking care of our premature new born boys. Our world had changed suddenly and we had way too much to learn and cope up with. I do not think I had the energy at that moment to process her question in my tired mommy brain, so I just gave some vague answer about the joys of parenthood. I am not sure how convincing I was because I smelled of baby formula and my hair was a mess. When I met her again last week I remembered her question. It just got me thinking.
I do not remember when was the first time that I thought about becoming a mother. May be, it was somewhere after a couple of years of dating D, we both started talking about the fact that we wanted children in the future. I did not think about why I wanted to embrace mommy hood, but the desire to see an extension of us had started. I think both D and I have interesting personalities. Nothing ground breaking, but interesting in our own way. I love how we can be silly at any point of time and try not to take anything too seriously. Both of us have been fiercely independent, but we ended up quite dependent on each other for a lot of things. We are opposites in many ways, D can sing very well, I am musically challenged and tone deaf to a certain extent; he is a great cook, I very frequently set off the smoke alarm; I love reading, D starts snoring the moment he picks up a book; I am a sucker for romantic movies, he tells me every day how much he hates them; He has an inbuilt GPS in his brain, I am direction blind. So I wanted to see another little person who would be a mix of the two of us. I wanted to see if s/he would inherit our quirkiness or our passion for travel. I hoped that s/he would love books like I do, and had D’s skill of seeing through people. There were so many things that had started building up in my heart. I do not remember questioning this thought ever. I just wanted a child of our own (who knew we would be doubly blessed 🙂 ). After they were born, when they finally wheeled me to the NICU and we both saw the boys, the first thing we did I guess was to bend over the incubator and try to figure out who the little fellow looked like. It was tough to decide, considering the amount of wires and machines they had around their tiny bodies and the fact that I almost had no eye sight because of my DKA at that point. Even now I look at my boys and see a little bit of both of us in them. It just brings a warm feeling to my heart. The exact feeling I used to have when I had thought of having children many years back. I do not think I would still have a proper answer to the question…Why did I want to have a baby? I don’t know. I just did, and I knew nothing can be better than the feeling of life inside me. I do not have any words to describe the moment, when I felt the boys move inside me for the very first time. I think I skipped a heartbeat. It is a privilege to be able to create life, to be able to give birth. I would not have given that up for anything in this world. But still I do not think I have an answer. Every day after a hard day’s work at office, when I meet my boys and the way the run and hug me, I just sit still and soak it all up as much as I can. Why I wanted a baby? May be because I just wanted to be a mother. 🙂