If

On days like today, a sentence plays in a loop in my head. During the time of my delivery a doctor told me very calmly that “Prematurity has its own complexities”. Little did I know that this line would keep coming back in my life.  Thankfully, we did not have any major problems. Thank God for that. I have two 4 years old who keeps me on my toes from morning till night. They hug me, they never stop showing me how very much they love me, and they try to tickle me to make me smile when I feel sad. Sometimes I wonder what else am I longing for. But to be very honest, the human heart always longs for more. A little more. Just a little more… and it is never enough…We say we will never compare our kids, but we do. On days like today, the little things that we do not have stands in front of me in its monstrous shape. What if they did not have the delays… what if I did not need to work extra hard on them … what if they were born full term.. Would they still have these delays? Would they be doing more than what they are doing now? Would they still be underweight? What if .. So many what ifs … sometimes I am looking for answers.. Answers to questions I do not know. On days like today, I put them under a microscope and analyze them. I rip apart each and every delay and try to find a reason .. a cause .. and then I try to think of things I am thankful for. But on days like today it is hard for me to focus on the positives.. on the haves. I long for more. I want my super heros to be more than that. I want them to be that 4 year old in their class who can explain each and everything that he did since morning to his mommy. I want them to tell me everything they did in the school …every person they met .. every thing that they felt … They try, my boys try. They try so hard .. to answer my questions. And then some time when they see me sad or quiet and they do not have enough words … they come and they tickle me … And that on days like today .. opens the floodgates. I know we can never have it all. On days like today I know that I am blessed, doubly blessed. But on days like today I can never stop the tears.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s