Preemie Mom

I came across this poem today and it gave me Goosebumps. This says exactly what I felt and I feel even to this day when I look at my boys. I could have written this.

I had to add this to my blog

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Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful son
What? I’m not ready. It wasn’t supposed to be like this
I’m not due until September, it’s only June, you must be wrong
Isn’t he lovely, who does he look like?
How can I tell? Surrounded by plastic walls, wrapped up in wires
Please take me away from here. I can’t deal with this today

Hello mummy, your boy’s doing so well
He started his milk today, you must be so proud
Are you talking to me? I don’t feel like a mum
Please don’t call me that, not yet.
Why did this happen? What did I do wrong?
So many questions, I’m lost in this world.

Home at last, but home alone.
Last time I was here I was pregnant
I walk into your nursery and put my hand on my belly
Both empty. I scream in pain – Give me back my baby!
The first night is the worst, and they don’t get much better
Desperately listening for the phone to ring
Living for the moment when I can return to your side

Would you like to hold him?
Are you kidding? Of course I would.
But wait, surely he’s too small
I might hurt him, I can’t do this.
Here you go, your baby in your arms at last
I cannot speak, so tiny, so fragile but yet so perfect.

Nurse, my baby’s not breathing!
It’s ok, he just forgot. It’s quite normal for his age
Hold his hands, touch his feet, he will soon remember.
What? Are you people crazy?

How can this be normal?
I need some time out, my head is spinning.

For hours, I sit and stare at you
Enclosed in your plastic box
I’ve learned the beeps, I know when to worry
I feel like we’ve been here forever.
Will we ever get out? Will I be able to cope?
I cannot wait for the day to come, when you leave here with me.

3 months on and your finally home
Now you’re bigger and stronger we can finally be a family
Free from wires, your new life begins
So many achievements for such a little one
Breathing by yourself, drinking from bottles
The simple things, others take for granted are so special to me.

I still have so many questions though,
Everyday I continue to ask why me?
But when you look at me and smile,
You have given me the answer no-one else can
I’m the luckiest person to be granted a preemie
And I’m honoured to be your mum.

Fleur Tedstill

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