It Should have been June

I am not sure if this is a just a temporary feeling or if I have been scarred for life.  The month of June brings in a sense of loss, loss of a dream. Like every pregnant woman, I also had dreamt of giving birth at the end of 40 weeks to a healthy baby. But in my case the whole pregnancy was a roller coaster ride.

This time last year we were preparing for Junior ROP surgery. The time when he was supposed to be safe in my womb, he was in reality fighting to breathe and there was a threat to his eye sight. I had absolutely no time to dwell on the thought that it was supposed to be his birthday. I was busy finding out about what ROP meant and what the hell the doctors were trying to explain. I had to read a lot to make sure I understand the exact medical terms and also what my son was in for. My little boy had no clue about his condition, but I wanted to be sure I knew what was going on. Every night after coming back from the NICU around 2 am I used to sit and read about what ROP meant. What the various zones were and what outcomes I should be expecting. I talked and exchanged notes with various parents whose kids went through the same ordeal. Talking to them not only made me aware about ROP but also brought in a lot of support and prayers.

Junior’s ROP was in zone 3, and every book and every case paper that I read said that it should be resolving itself with time. The eye doctor in the NICU was not ready to wait and watch. I had very little in my control, especially when words like blindness were thrown at me during every conversation. I wanted to get a second opinion but time was very short. The verdict was very clear. It was given that he needed surgery just to be safe. I still don’t agree with that decision. I am not a doctor and I can be very wrong, but I feel we could have waited. May be I am wrong and anyways the surgery was successful and Junior did very well during and after the surgery. But like a nurse had told me that night, “he will not remember this day and you will never forget this day”. I will really never forget that day.

It should have been in June. May be that way my boys would have had an easy start in life. But someone once told me, “you can choose to mourn the death of a dream or rejoice the birth of a mother” I guess I choose to rejoice the fact that I am a mother today. Mother of two great kids and God have been kind enough to bless them with good health.

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